Saturday, April 19, 2014

19-21

Sometimes, I just couldn't stop crying. I'd lie there on my side, and sob and shake. Eventually, it would stop. I was exhausted and forced into a near meditative state. Dammit! Why couldn't I just sleep more? But in reality, I knew I slept way too much. Twelve hours was nothing. A drop in the bucket of dreamless sleep. I'd wake up in haze. For two hours, I'd go in and out of consciousness. Sitting and standing up was a pathetically grand accomplishment. To being the day of daze of being just so tired no matter what, all the time. At least I could still think and concentrate when necessary, for a long time. It was a saving grace to be able to open a book and read and write and analyze and summarize. Besides the sleep, it was the only escape I had. Thank God, I still had my mind and could work. But I still hurt. I could try to point it out. The best I could manage was an estimation--somewhere in between my chest and gut....there somewhere.

"Take me to an operating room and slice me open! Pull out the contents of my chest to get down in there were it hurts, I swear, I swear to God it's there, I feel it all the time. It never goes away, not even a single day, a single hour."

"Crazy crazy girl, we see nothing! Stop wasting our time with this shit! We don't see a damn thing."

Emptiness hurts like a bitch. How could nothing be so awful? Absence is a nasty abscess that chips away at you every day. A flurry of activity tricks you into thinking the void isn't still there, but at night, the truth always comes out, back to haunt you. Why bother to talk about it? Nothing has changed in a long time...no change of status, nothing of note. There's no point in wasting someone else's fucking time, yet again to share the same things. Sympathy has its limits. When you know you've depleted most of their concern, it's best to shut up. Learn to live with the perpetual longing knowing full well, it's probably going to kill you.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Frank Discussions about Sex among Friends in Bars

Woman: Okay, just answer the question, don't think about it. I want to test my theory. Do you like going down on women?


Man 1: Yes, I enjoy all manner of sex, why?


Man 2: I definitely will, but I'm not super into it. Does that disappoint women?


Woman: It just seems like guys are either really into it or really not. No middle ground. I couldn't date someone that wasn't really into to. It's not even about getting off. It just makes me feel really wanted when a guy is into it.


Man 2: Don't some women not like it?


Woman: This is true. But usually has to do with self-esteem issues. Like, they are uncomfortable with their body.


Man 1: yeah, some women say that is my intimate than having sex as you're in the center of the action.


Man 2: If I go down on a woman, then I know were having sex.


Man 1: But I've never used that as a means to an end, but you're right, that usually happens.


Man 2: What do you do when a woman really isn't taking care of herself down there?

Man 1: I don't stay there long...


Man 2: Yeah, kissing them right after so they can taste it themselves.


Man 1: I've done that too. They've made some pretty bad faces.


Woman: Well, my suggestion is, if a woman ever asks you if you like giving oral, just quickly say yes if you are okay with it so she doesn't think you are selfish. And that's gross...I'd think it would be common sense to take a shower daily.

...

Man 1: What do you do when a girl gives bad head? I mean, really, what recourse do you have as a guy? It's not like you can really tell her.


Woman: You should be honest with her, but be tactful about it.


Man 2: No, I wouldn't say anything.


Man 1: Says the married guy and then the single girl!

Man 3: I'd just try to keep it positive, like say I really like it when you _______, to reinforce good behavior.


Woman: I'd want someone to tell me the truth. I'd want to do better. I give guys simple directions when they are going down on me. I don't expect them to read my mind, especially someone new. Like, lower, faster, harder... But if you do tell her, don't do it while your naked. It has to be a situation where your clothes are on. That way she'll think of it as having a good discussion as a couple versus being embarrassed.


Man 2: That's good advice.


Woman: But sometimes it doesn't work. Some people are just not sexually compatible.

Man 2: This is true.

...

Woman 1: You know what sucks, having a great afternoon masturbating, but not being able to tell anyone about it. Especially as a girl, you can't go around telling anyone how you had a great time getting off alone. When people ask how your Saturday was, you just have to say you enjoyed relaxing.


Woman 2: Oh, I totally tell my roommate, but she's cool like that.


Woman 1: You know what really did it for me? That scene in Disclosure.


Man 1: Wait, seriously? That one where Michael Douglas is getting blown?


Woman 1: Um, yes.


Man 1: But it's Michael Douglas!


Woman 1: He's a hot older guy, especially back in like 1993.


Man 1: You've got to be kidding me!


Woman 1: If you don't believe me, google "hot movie sex scenes". I'm not the only one that thinks that's a hot scene.


Woman 2: okay, I'll google "Disclosure hot sex scene"


Man 1: No, you can't put the movie title. Just google something like "hot movie sex scenes". It needs to show up on a top 10 list to count.


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Thank You BBC for Having Black People on TV

Yes, I am well aware that there are African Americans on US television, but rarely are they portraying the lead character in a show where a theme isn't racism or a period piece. American TV has had plenty of black friends, neighbors, and colleagues, but the principal character is hardly ever black. A friend introduced me to the dark detective show "Luther", and I was so surprised to see a black lead character, and moreover, one that was highly intelligent whose obstacles had nothing to do with the color of his skin. As I type this, I feel like an idiot for being taken aback. And yet, it's entirely logical--if you are honest with yourself--how many TV shows have you seen like this? Or movies for that matter? The closest TV comparison I can think of is Grey's Anatomy. It featured several black women and men as supporting characters who were highly intelligent doctors. I never watched all seasons, but in the 2-3 seasons I saw, the issue of race never came up with regards to their profession or who they were dating. Let's be honest, we all go to google for reassurance. I googled "issue of race and "luther" show to see if anyone else found this show remarkable. Indeed, the show's creator Neil Cross was asked in an interview how the character of Luther was written, and Cross said "Luther" wasn't written as a black or white character, and he said: “It was cast as a character, purely and simply, which is one of the aspects that attracted Idris to the role. I have no knowledge or expertise or right to try to tackle in some way the experience of being a black man in modern Britain. It would have been an act of tremendous arrogance for me to try to write – and you have to try to imagine the quote marks around the words – a black character because I don’t know what a black character is and we would have ended up with a slightly embarrassed, ignorant, middle-class, white writer’s idea of a black character, which would have been an embarrassment for everybody concerned. I suspect that there’s a dearth of decent roles for black actors because most writers are white and they try to write their idea of black and it’s an embarrassment.” As the viewer, I quickly became engrossed into the world of "Luther" and watched all 3 seasons within a week and a half, and I forgot that Deputy Chief Inspector John Luther was a black guy. He was just one hell of a fantastic male lead character, and I was on his side through and through. After I finished the show last night, I once again returned to how unique of a show it is and wondered why can't US media get their shit together and create equally fascinating and complex lead characters that feature actors of all racial backgrounds? How great would it be for our children and society to see how meaningful stories of all kinds of people can be and that their experiences are worthy of being front and center? Moreover, that it can be a movie or show that doesn't deal with slavery, segregation, or racial injustice as themes? There surely is racism in the UK, but it's never been as nasty as it is in the US. I think history does matter and the ugly sin of the past--some 200 years of chattel slavery in the American south has and continues to shape so many aspects of our society. If you think I'm making something out of nothing, all you have to do is turn on your TV and observe. I can assure you, pretty much any mattress commercial will feature a white woman and man or a black woman and man. Pretty much any black character you will see (or any character that isn't white for that matter) will be in supporting roles, often to provide comic relief. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad to be funny and make people laugh, but it's doing many minority actors a disservice to be limited to a sprinkling of clever one liners. My hope is that I look back at this blog entry 10 years from now and what I see is much different.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

The Truth About Welfare in America

How does welfare ACTUALLY work? I have to admit, I was pretty ignorant until I read a book this past week about welfare reform in the US this past week. The author spent several months observing case workers and clients in welfare offices in two US cities shortly after the welfare reform legislation went into effect. Prior to 1996, provided you had a low enough income and dependents, you would just collect checks from the government. The logic was that the US government was filling the role of a breadwinner male and the mothers would stay home to raise their children. Under the Clinton Administration, the program was massively changed and gave individual states far more power to make stipulations of their own. More importantly, the laws were changed to push those who needed it to go to work so that in theory recipients would eventually be self-supporting and receiving welfare would be temporary. Here are the basics: 1) No one can receive welfare for more than 5 years in their lifetime. Some states divide this time up, as in, you can only continuously be on welfare for 2 years at a time, but have a maximum of 5 years in all to receive it. Some people will be exempt from the 5 year limit, but each state has regulations surrounding this and typically only people who have severe mental health issues, or mental/physical disabilities are exempt from the time limit. 2) Children born while the recipient was already receiving welfare are not eligible for benefits. 3) You are expected to actively be searching for a job and taking life skills and/or job training classes. If you do not comply with the job search part, you can be sanctioned and have your benefits suspended for that months so that you do not receive any money. Those who cannot locate work for pay are given unpaid work to give them employment experience. 4) It's not merely getting a check---other services may be provided to help the recipient find steady employment such as money to buy a car, gas vouchers, take job related classes, vouchers for free childcare, and in some cases, reconstructive dental work. 5) The process of signing up for welfare involves a lengthy interview in which the potential recipient is asked regarding any sources of money they may have, the whereabouts of the fathers of the children, and numerous documents must be supplied--birth certificates, vaccination records, bank statements before their request for assistance can even be reviewed. Technically, everything is supposed to be documented--money made from doing hair/nails, pet sitting, random cash that may be given from the children's father or other family members. 6) Mothers must identify the father (s) of children and and provide any information to help the state locate him so that he can pay child support. If a father is found and hasn't been paying child support, majority of these dollars do not go to the child--they go to the state to reimburse the government for the welfare dollars that were paid out to the mother. Only in special circumstances which must be carefully documented will the state refrain from searching for the father and asking for child support. 7) Nearly all welfare recipients are women with children. Very few married couples or single fathers receive welfare. The complications: 1) Majority of the jobs women on welfare take do not help them actually better their situation. While on assistance, the jobs welfare recipients are likely to obtain are low wage work with little security, benefits, or hours that are compatible with caring for small children---fast food, housekeeping. I agree with the principle that welfare recipients should be expected to better themselves. However, there just isn't enough time, funding, or infrastructure in place to get these women the types of jobs they need to become self-supporting permanently. Few women manage to keep a job for a full year, and many women cycle in and out of the welfare system until their 5 year time limit hits. Obviously, some of this is poor decision making--choosing to continue to do hard drugs and party and failing to use contraception routinely resulting in further pregnancies as examples. However, part of it is being faced with a myriad of challenges---inadequate transportation, having to stay home and receive no pay to care for sick children, lacking medical insurance which results in minor illnesses growing into major issues, and not to mention massive relationship issues. Majority of the women who receive welfare have experienced domestic violence and/or sexual assault at a far higher rate than the general population. 2) Women on welfare are expected to work and staying home to raise their children isn't an option. While I personally know I could never be a housewife, I believe that every person (woman OR man for that matter) should have a choice to work full time, part time, or raise children full time. Why is it that devoting oneself to home and family is an acceptable and celebrated life choice for a woman unless she's poor? 3) Majority of women on welfare would be considered "welfare cheats"--as in, they receive money from family members, the fathers of their children, or do nails and never report this income. In principle, it sounds terrible to be accepting government assistance and not fully disclosing all sources of income, but in practice, how different is this from the rest of us? As a young person, I know tons of friends who have parents that still pay for their student loans, car insurance, or help them pay their rent. I personally have dog sat for coworkers from time to time to make extra money--I can assure you, I never reported this extra money on my taxes. Even those who are financially established receive generous gifts, like a mother and father providing their son and his wife with a down payment on a house. 4) The child support mandate actually often worsens the relationship between the father and mother/children. Many of these fathers aren't making a living wage and resent being tracked down and forced to pay money they know will not ultimately end up going to their children. Many women love their children but do not want to have anything to do with the "father" of their child. Only under rare and dire circumstances will the government refrain from contacting the father, which leaves the women and children vulnerable to further emotional and physical abuse. I understand people's frustration and resentment of having to pay for the poor decisions of others. It's true--some people make very poor decisions and continue to do so. With that said, it's so much easier to make good decisions when you've started out in a good place. Every day, I drive to work in a reliable vehicle to a job that I received in part due to my college education. I grew up in a home with 2 loving parents who ensured I went to good schools and supported me through college. I never went hungry, was abused, or worried that I wouldn't have somewhere safe to live with people who love me. At my job, I receive wage that allows me to pay all of my bills, save some, and have money to enjoy in my free time. I have good health insurance and if I am sick, I can stay home and get paid. In my case, it's easy to be self-supporting. Imagine an alternate life--what if I was raised by a single mother with a drug issue and I spent my youth rotating in and out of relatives' homes, foster care, and homeless shelters. Naturally, the kind of men I would encounter in this social circle wouldn't be ones that could support a child or have much common sense to do what was necessary to keep from having unplanned children. It would be easy to drop out of school, get pregnant, and end up on welfare myself. How does one get out of that? Say I get a job making minimum wage, but then I am fired for being late because I had to take public transit and missed my bus connection or for too many absences because my children were sick? It's true--some people do break free of this cycle and succeed, and I wholeheartedly admire them. However, it's so much easier to take care of yourself, when you grew up being taken care of. People don't make decisions in a vacuum. Yes, we can make choices--but some options become infinitely more challenging than others depending on "where" in society you are. My hope is that one day there will be better programs in place to help those who struggle truly better themselves permanently. However, that is going to require more of my (and your) money. It may be because I am young and idealistic that I accept this, but I'd be fine to forever drive a used car, live in a small apartment, and buy jeans from the thrift store if it meant that other people were given more of an opportunity to succeed. Not only that, it's my responsibility. I don't think that the realm of who I am supposed to care for begins with my family and ends with my friends. I wish other people felt that way.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

PSA---For All Straight Men Under 30: How to Seduce Women

My roommate and I have deduced from our experiences and those of other lady friends, that it takes some guys until roughly age 30 to learn how to properly have sex with women. Obviously, this isn't the case for all, but it seems that the vast majority manage to come to enlightenment by 30 (and those that haven't by then, well = lost cause). It takes a long time for the boys of this world to become men and grow out of that horny teenage boy/frat boy mentality that is so off putting to our kind, which is why many of us choose to date older men. The truth is, we'd wish you'd figure it out sooner dudes. Many of you under 30 fellows are attractive and interesting, but we have to pass on getting naked with you because we know it just isn't worth our time. Most ladies aren't going to out and out tell you these things, but I will. 1) First and foremost rule--it's not about you getting laid. It's about showing your lady friend an enjoyable experience. The moment you stop thinking like a 14 year old boy who is tired of whacking off to internet porn, the easier all of these other steps will be to follow. 2) A lady getting turned on and getting off isn't like turning on a light switch. It's like building a bonfire. It takes time. It starts out as a small flicker and grows. That means you need to be patient. Multiply the amount of time by 3 that you wish to spend making out and waiting to remove articles of clothing of said lady. 3) Handle with care. Obviously, each lady will be different, but if you are dealing with new territory, touch her gently and slowly. No grabbing or squeezing. 4) Build anticipation. Make us really want to be touched or kissed in those special places. Spend a significant amount of time touching or kissing us around them, so that when you finally reach a money spot, we're wicked excited. 5) Asking for permission is okay. If you can't clearly tell if a lady is comfortable with something, ask. The absence of a "no" doesn't mean yes. 6) If she says no, do not proceed to ask again later or move forward. Don't insult our intelligence, boundaries, or decision making process. Being pushy can range from you irritating us, insulting us, or worse yet, making us really uncomfortable. 7) Don't ask for things, give them first. If you want a lady to go down on you, go down on her first. Don't take it upon yourself to decide you've been down there for long enough--she'll let you know when it's your turn. Indeed--there is nothing hotter than a guy who approaches this situation as "what can I do for you?" Unless she's an evil bitch, 99% of womankind will be very appreciative and return the favor with great enthusiasm. 8) Don't go into these situations always expecting to get off. Women don't. 9) Actual sex is great, but so is going halfway or 3/4 of the way. Don't underestimate the fun and pleasure of messing around. Don't communicate your disappointment if things didn't get to the point where you wanted. It just makes you seem whiny and desperate. Be appreciative of what did happen. Following the above guidelines will make you the kind of guy we actually want to sleep with.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Sweden: My Wet Hot Feminist Fantasy Lived at Last!

Where do I even begin? It's just inevitable I'm going to be all over the place! I traveled to Sweden for the first time at the end of March and was there for 7 days, and also spent 1 day in Norway (Oslo). I've been wanting to take this trip for some 5 years, and finally had the extra money, adequate time off, and guts to go it alone. Why the icy lands of the north you ask? It just seems to me they've done so many things right. Gender equality is a major priority to their society, and parents are given a year of paid time off (including 2 months only the dad can take or lose), and there are many affordable public day cares available--talk about family values! Sweden is also just a beautiful peaceful (always neutral in world wars) place. Indeed, I saw many a guys pushing around baby strollers, coffee in hand, with no mommy nearby--what a hot sight that was. I was scared to travel alone. I'd only traveled abroad one other time to UK/France for a short time with someone else, so I didn't have a history of adventures. Nerd I am, I did my homework: I bought a Rick Steve's Guide to Stockholm and a Lonely Planet Guide on Sweden, and checked out on Norway travel guide from the library. From there, I made a list of the places I wanted to see (though not a day by day itinerary). I found a reasonably priced plane ticket from Icelandair (I spent about 2 hours total in Iceland on lay overs), and booked hostels on Hostelworld.com. This is a great resource-their reviews are very accurate. And finally, I bought a train ticket on Eurorail.com from Stockholm-Oslo. As soon as I got to Stockholm, I realized I was so lucky to be traveling alone. I got to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted without having to worry about someone else's agenda. What a dream and complete freedom! With that said, I was staying in hostels with communal bedrooms, kitchens, and lounges, so after a day of sightseeing, I had plenty of interesting people to chat, dine, and drink with upon my return. There were plenty of other solo travelers (guys and gals), so no one thought me strange. I had a bit of trepidation about staying in a room with 3 other women I'd never met, but they all were respectful and easy to strike up a conversation with. Just some general observations and insights from my journeys: I saw no massively obese people and less than 10 homeless people while traveling in 2 major cities. Everyone in Norway and Sweden spoke great English and were polite and helpful. While a bit reserved at times, once a conversation was started, they were genuinely engaged and it was enjoyable discussing our respective lives/backgrounds. I have an accent. As someone who has lived on the west coast my entire life, it was strange hearing that I have "an American accent and talk like the people in the movies". It's totally normal to speak 3+ languages. Pretty much every American traveling in Europe inevitably ends up apologizing for the George Bush II presidency. This apology is given at every new hostel you stay at. Most Americans are so isolated. As European countries are much smaller, being without a passport isn't an option. Crossing country borders is a regular occurrence. Most non-Americans know little about the "real life" of Americans. As in, there is no mandatory paid maternity leave or vacation. So many times, I had to explain that paid days off aren't guaranteed--everything is tied to your job and the policies of the company you work for. The reason why many Americans never leave the states is we just don't get enough vacation time in a given year. Abstinence only education is something met with utter disbelief. Personally owning guns is bizarre. As one Aussie I met explained, "yeah, sure, I could have a gun in australia, but why would I? There just seems like no point." And as for the Germans, French, and Swiss involved in this conversation--they didn't know anyone with a gun in their respective countries. It was great fun explaining the notion of "conceal carry". The violent shootings that happen in America are international news. I asked one fellow hostel dinner mate if they had heard about the big shooting, and they said "which one?" Despite the "bad things" about the US, people want to travel to the states, or re-visit. Shortcomings aside, the US is respected for its innovation and creativity (go Steve Jobs!). While non-Americans dislike Bush, they still like Americans as a group. Everything is CRAZY expensive. $35 for a burger, fries, and coffee in Oslo that was on par with Red Robin. $20 was a lunch bargain in Stockholm. A single cocktail with hard A will run you at least $15. If you a travel to Scandinavia, be prepared to bleed money left and right. However, thrifty choices can be made--staying in hostels, buying food at a local supermarket, and only eating lunch out will help you save. For the nosy, my trip was between $2200-$2500. The roads never get crowded, but boy, the subway stations do! I never needed to step foot into a car or taxi the whole 9 days. Subway, bus, and train got me every where I needed to go. Americans smile A LOT. Yes, Swedes and Norwegians smile too, but they need a reason. Taking someone's order or ringing up a can of coke is not a reason to smile at someone. So what did I do: I saw many fine museums, palaces, parks, and buildings. I honestly feel that the museums of Stockholm are quite outstanding, and much less crowded and exhausting to walk around then say, the Louvre or British Museum. The coolest museum I saw in Stockholm was the Hallwylska Museet. This was a mansion built in the 19th Century by a countess who was an avid antique and art collector bordering on hoarder. She intended for her home to become a museum, so she cataloged every possession in the home (when published all the listings totaled 70+ thick volumes). Most of these possessions are in the museum today, which isn't typical--most palaces and other monuments have little original furnishings. And it is just a downright beautiful home. The second coolest museum was the Nordika Museet--another beautiful building that is as cultural museum with everything from lights, hair, clothing trends, wedding rings, dollhouses, and toys throughout the ages. I journeyed to Uppsala, which is a town 45 minutes outside of Stockholm, and home to Scandinavia's most prestigious university. The town cathedral brought me to tears. So cheezy, I know, but this building really did make me weepy. I've been to cathedrals, but none so slender and with such amazingly high ceilings. It is amazing to think that worshiping God inspired people to construct buildings that literally seem to touch the heavens. I was so overwhelmed and moved. The university also had a great and random museum. It included: mummies, lecture notes from a 15th century student, viking bling, 200 year old surgical tools, and 200+ year old anatomical preservations--from fetuses, to lungs, to cats that were split down the middle. The train ride from Stockholm to Oslo took 6 hours. The view was full of beautiful forests, lakes, and rivers. Those Norwegians are a proud bunch--tons and tons of homes with the flag. Oslo is even more of a expensive city than Stockholm, but there are so many free things to see. My top choice is the Oslo Opera house--it was built to be a glacier and you can walk all around it, including on the rooftop. It has a series of staircases and levels, with each turn it felt like a new building. It offers a great view of the city, harbor, and it is the perfect place to picnic. I was so fortunate I saw it on a sunny day. The other big highlight was getting off on the last stop on a subway line and ending up in the forest on the north edge of the city. This forest serves as Olympic training grounds for skiers and other snow sports and has a myriad of walking and running trails. Most impressive is the massive clearing on at the beginning of the trails. There was still several inches of snow and trees all around. I felt so free as I trekked out to the center of the clearing, and it was unbelievable I was 15 minutes away from a major city. I could go on and on, and if you want more details on what to see, I'd be happy to share! Suffice to say, I had a great time and feel so fortunate I had this opportunity to travel! I just wish I had more time off and more money to travel again like this really soon! There is so much of the world to see, and I've been very impressed with what I've gotten to experience so far. I strongly encourage you to get out there, and don't be afraid of traveling by yourself--it's so rewarding and you will be pleasantly surprised :) Scandinavia is a great starting point for first time global travelers because everyone speaks English, the countries are very developed, and safe (less violent crime than in ANY US city). And..drumroll..the tap water is completely safe to drink and positively delicious! I'd dump my brita filter in an instant if I could have Stockholm municipal agua again! The world IS your oyster.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

"I Thought He Was a Man but He Was Just a Little Boy"

Don't roll your eyes at me-but the title of this blog is a lyric by Fiona Apple that succinctly describes the dating experiences of women in their mid 20s. My roommate, who is an ever wise woman a few weeks away from age 30, crystallized my failed romances, "it's hard dating in your mid 20s. The guys your age are so immature, so you have to target a specific subset of men in their early 30s if you don't want to be dealing this this crap. You can't go older than early 30s because then you start running into double digit age differences, and well, let's be honest, there's a usually a reason why a guy in his late 30s and early 40s has never been married." It's hard to pinpoint the exact qualities of these Peter Pan males because it changes with each situation myself and other lady friends have encountered. And for my male readers, this post will be biased--I'm a woman dating males. I know for a fact women do tons of irritating and frustrating things in dating situations, but I am describing my tiny corner of the universe. Age has something to do with it--older males tend to display less of these undesirable traits, but it isn't everything--some guys in their 30s still don't have their shit together and would make terrible significant others. To make things more complicated, a given guy may have some of these traits, but not all of them, so it can take some time to sift through where they are at in their timeline of man development. Here are some patterns I've noticed: 1) They still live at home, contribute nothing financially to the family, and don't have an exit strategy. I agree, it is stupid to move out when you don't have a stable job and would be subsisting off of Top Ramen and generic fruit loops. With that said, if you aren't paying rent and are working at least 20 hours a week, you have $100 to contribute monthly to groceries, electricity bills, or some other expense and you CAN have a savings plan and active job search to make the move out. It's so unsexy to have a guy express no reluctance about freeloading or for you as the girlfriend to be put in awkward situations....like waking up, going downstairs, and having to hang out with your mom. Yes, your mom is chill, and it was great of her to share her k cups with me and demonstrate how the accompanying Keurig coffee maker functions. But then, she brought up this whole matter of my views on abortion. True, she is an educated sophisticated lady, but it's bizarre breakfast conversation, and just to further assure her of my commitment to have an empty womb the whole time we are dating, I conveniently discarded an empty pack of birth control pills in the kitchen garbage can for her to find. Fear not, on my watch, there will be NO slip ups---pregnancy and babies don't coincide with my fondness of getting drunk and sleeping in late the next morning from time to time. 2) They are uncomfortable with their parents knowing who they really are. Of course, we all want our parents to be proud of us. With that said, once they aren't footing your bills, it's time to make your own decisions and not fearing mum and dad learning about your religious views (or lack thereof), voting choices, or that, yes, you have sex or crashed your car. Don't got out of your way to bring up things to piss your parents off, but be comfortable and take ownership of your decisions and their consequences and don't go sneaking around or expressing to your girlfriend how you don't want your parents to know "x" or worse yet, she needs to help you cover up "y". 3) Intimately related to 1 and 2, is trait 3, which are guys who have the kinds of interactions with their parents that one has when they are a teenager. For the love of God, do not roll your eyes, make pissy sarcastic comments, or make some other juvenile sound to convey you are irritated with mum and dad. If you are a dipshit to your parents, that means you will be one to me, and I'm not having it. 4) Making just plain stupid decisions. This can be driving under the influence or buying a new car or expensive recreational equipment when you can't even afford rent. Just avoid doing anything that would make that special lady in your life or others you respect thinking wtf?! Bad idea, dude! 5) An inability to effectively communicate. Are you going through a difficult time and need space? Do you just want to be friends? Are you upset about something? This is easy---just fucking tell me. A proper expression of feelings isn't avoidance, silence, monosyllabic answers, or acting generally disinterested or pissy or sending a series of psychotic text messages. Calmly relate what you are feeling and what your needs are. I promise, I will appreciate it and try to act accordingly. Please, do not make shit unnecessarily awkward. Boy behavior is like making out or more with a lady, and then upon meeting her again, trying to avoid contact or acting strange because you just want to be friends. Man behavior is saying "hey, I think you're cool, but I just want to be friends", or "I can't see you right now. It's too soon after our breakup for us to be friends, I need space." Just because I don't want to date you or you don't want to date me means one of us has the Bubonic plague or we have to become mortal enemies like Harry and Lord Voldemort. 6) Acting eager about sex in that 14 year old boy way. Dude, if I say that I'm tired, or express that I just am up for watching a movie tonight, do not proceed to try to grope me or appear edgy because you are in need of getting laid. Men are patient and listen to the things their girlfriend says or notice if they are trying to slide along to second base and she seems indifferent or isn't responsive to a passionate kiss. And please, please, do not say something like, "awww really, you're tired?" As a woman, it would be SO nice to get to be on the offensive for once and put the moves on you. If you or someone you love displays these behaviors, fear not, many many boys grow up to be perfectly good men. It just takes time and effort. Though keep in mind, if you want to date a woman, be prepared to be a man.