Your Sexual Contract

Come, I want to show you my playroom... suspended from the playroom hang all manner of ropes, chains, and glinting shackles...paddles, whips, riding crops... I think I'm in shock. what is the appropriate response to finding out a potential lover is a complete freaky sadist? (James 98-99)

This lovely little chain of excerpts was lifted from EL James' "erotic romance" Fifty Shades of Grey, which is currently a New York Times Bestseller. Filled with a perverse curiosity and wealth of time waiting at the airport, I indulged in this poorly written, though mildly satisfying little story with tons of sex and little plot. It's a timeless formula-virgin girl is seduced by experienced, elusive, and wealthy older entrepenuer. Except--this dude likes whipping, spanking, and chaining his ladies. Now, now, don't get too excited! You will surely be let down, I was. I had expected to read and think to myself "People do that!!??!! I didn't know ______ was possible or practiced." Instead, I read scene after scene of heterosexual sex with some spanking and chaining weaved in. In fact, I got bored, and so will you reader, because majority of these things you've done too. The story had next to no plot and abruptly transitioned from one sexual encounter to another and I quickly became irritated reading about the leading lady getting off, yet again. Who would have thought reading about orgasms would get annoying? I'm convinced now that anything really is possible! So, why are so many people buying this book? I have my biting theories which include: -The sex majority of American women have really is THAT boring. -Sex (even the poorly narrated kind) sells -US culture is that repressed so any hint of BDSM sends us all into a frenzy -The premise of the book was sexual exploration. Not sex and love, sex and war, or sex and sorrow. The only worthwhile consideration to come away with (no pun intended!) is this notion of a sexual contract. Before they have sex for the first time, the business mogel Christian Grey asks his lady and recent college grad Anastasia to sign a detailed contract agreeing to be his subordinate. In this one regard, the author did not fail--this contract lists a wide range of taboo sexual acts and props which Ananastia must agree to participate in or advise Christian that they are a "hard limit". I could give you some examples, but I don't want to spoil the most exciting part of this book (for the insanely curious, please refer to pages 165-175 at your local bookstore). The pair spend some time negotiating and debating the finer points of this document. When we decide to get naked with someone, a largely unspoken contract is involved. Sometimes we talk about what we want and are comfortable with, but largely much of it is subtle and implicit--re-directing a hand, smiling, moaning, or grimacing. Society at large has primarly drawn up the contract for us-we mostly know what to expect, what is considered "normal". And here we arrive at what is the best aspect of this book-two people so openly expressing their initimate likes and dislikes. The openness between Christian and Anastasia is incredibly refreshing. So dear readers, I ask you-what is your sexual contract and how easily could you share it with the person you were/are sleeping with?

Change of Heart: Planned Parenthood Clinic Director Becomes Pro-Life

"Maybe just maybe, that secret box hidden deep within me, nailed shut so that my two abortions couldn't speak to me, was crying out that my babies hadn't had anyone pleading for their lives when I stepped into a clinic to abort them."
-Abby Johnson former Planned Parenthood Clinic Director

I thought reading this book may have changed my mind, but even after reading "Unplanned: The Dramatic True Story of a former Planned Parenthood leader's eye-opening journey across the life line" I'm still solidly pro-choice. While in college, Abby Johnson was recruited as a volunteer for Planned Parenthood in Texas and eventually became a paid member of the staff. Motivated by a desire to help women in need, She excelled in her role and became clinic director and was chosen as employee of the year.

The clinic Abby worked at performed abortions, among other services such as contraception counseling, annual exams, STD testing. Abby counseled hundreds of women who came to the clinic facing an unplanned pregnancy and explained all of their options including adoption, abortion, and raising the child. After some 8 years of working for the organization, Abby was asked to assist with an ultra-sound guided abortion by holding the ultrasound probe. This event led Abby to quit her job with Planned Parenthood and join the Coalition for Life, who prayed outside of the clinic she worked at.

I had expected this book to reveal horrible things about the inner workings of Planned Parenthood, an organization which I fully support. The most scathing occurrence Abby wrote about was how upper management pressured her to increase revenue by increasing the number of abortions performed. To increase the number of abortions, the clinic simply offered them more frequently instead of just one day every other week.

More than anything, I criticize Abby's authority as a narrator. She had an abortion in college, one when she was separated from her first husband, and during her second marriage she became pregnant accidentally but kept this child--hardly a responsible individual. It was clear all throughout her story she wasn't being honest with herself that the abortion activities of Planned Parenthood made her uncomfortable. In discussing her work life with her second husband, parents, and close friends, she always omitted the times when the women she counseled decided to abort. Abby experienced an on going moral dilemma for 8 years which she ignored.

Abby should not be criticized for leaving Planned Parenthood because the organization did activities that were clearly at odds with her personal values. It is important to feel good about the work you do. This would be an unsettling situation for anyone. However, Abby now wishes to mandate her "change of heart" as a leader in the Coalition for Life on other people and ignore the reality of her past experiences and the numerous women she counseled--sometimes abortion is the choice the woman in question feels is best for her. Abby should not be trying to take away a choice she exercised more than once. Bottom line- an individual should be given accurate information on all options and be allowed to decide for themselves.

Hooking Up: Thoughts on Fucking Him or Her, Here or There

The "hook up"-a widespread phenomenon and cool way to say that you screwed someone you weren't actually in a monogamous relationship with. In the past, I would have immediately said, "how could you? That's terrible!" and passed some massive judgment upon you. I'm less naive now and have come to realize we all do things we said we wouldn't do or expected ourselves to do. I've adjusted my own moral code to account for lessons learned and new experiences.

17 Year old Kristin-I'm not going to have sex before I'm married. Rule broken.
21 Year old Kristin-I'm not going to go past second base for like 3 months. Rule broken.
22 Year old Kristin-I'm not going to have sex with someone unless we're undoubtedly an item. Rule Broken.

With that said, I just can't come to terms with the "hook up". My one pseudo hook up experience led to a few months of exclusive dating that fell short of the gf/status. As a religious teenager, I found the hookup downright sinful and disgusting, like spitting on a crucifix. Now, I just can't actualize it on an emotional level and the idea of the hookup leaves me with this uneasy feeling. And I think if we all were honest with ourselves, our reason for the "hook up" weren't good ones and we really do want a meaningful relationship with someone we can trust and count on.
For me, the lurid tales of the hook up bring to mind the following:
a)Immediate Health concerns: disease and pregnancy. Yes, condoms do a good job of protecting against disease, but a condom only works as good as the person rolling it on (being drunk in the dark definitely can hamper the level of effectiveness).
b)Bad sex. So much of the joy of sex is being comfortable with the other person and communicating your needs. Chances are, this other person is not magically going to hit all the right places. Drunken telekinesis doesn't exist. I'm of the opinion, if you're really in need, it's better to take matters into your own hands, because at least then you can guarantee it will be a quality experience.
c)What if...You end up wanting something more and the other person doesn't. How do you backtrack to have a meaningful relationship after this happened? How could this other person ever see you as a legitimate boyfriend or girlfriend when you're "the hookup"? I know serious relationship have been born from a hookup, but regret, humiliation, and a general "what the fuck was I thinking?!" are much more likely outcomes.
d) Why are you really doing this? Yes, I understand sex feels amazing and that you can't shut off your sex drive when you're single like a light switch, but it's usually not about physically feeling good. If you are brutally honest, the following are much more likely to spawn the hook up "I'm really drunk right now" "I recently broke up with someone and can't deal with it" "Someone cheated on me/hurt me so I feel like being an asshole for a while" "I'm just plain lonely" "I"m too scared to actually have a real relationship-like I really have to admit to someone I care about them (in person)?" You typically feel shitty pre-hookup for some reason and your judgment is clouded or non-existent by a few rounds.
e) There is something sacred and special about sex and the experience two people share. It means different things for different people, but it's just not easy to completely write off something that could result in the creation of another person.
f)regret. embarrassment. enough said.


To make it all more confusing, there is no reasonable ethical model for sexual activity in our society. Popular culture says you either have a purity ring and stay good for Jesus/your future husband (Jessica Simpson evangelical teens) or have a lot of drunken sex as a rite of passage. I don't find either to be realistic or appealing. Where do the "in-betweeners" fall? Who is the posterchild of the "sex is special to me. I keep my number low and standards high"? I can't think of one famous "sexual moderate"-only the fanatically religious or super slutty get our attention.

So dear readers, I challenge you to examine your own behavior. It's not for me or anyone else to decide how many people you should sleep with, how soon you should have sex with them, or under what relationship status (or lack thereof). It's your business-but be honest with yourself about why you are making the choices you do and make sure it's for the right reasons. Keep those cringe worthy moments to a minimum.

Women in 2012: Barefoot and Pregnant

For those of you who haven't been following politics as of late, here is a brief synopsis of the "hot issue" of late winter 2012: The Affordable Health Care Act (aka "Obamacare") as it was originally written mandates that religiously affiliated employers (hospitals, universities NOT CHURCHES) include coverage for birth control as part of their health care plan for employees. This piece of the health care law has given birth (no pun intended!) to the following:
-Some politicians (like Republican presidential nominee Rick Santorum) to argue that NO EMPLOYER should have to include birth control as part of their employee health care plan if it violates their conscious or morals.
-An Arizona senator (female no less) to introduce a bill in her state that an employee must prove birth control is needed for reasons OTHER than to PREVENT PREGNANCY to get birth control coverage from her employer sponsored health plan. This proof would have to be submitted to the actual employer.

Those against the birth control piece of the health care law (US Catholic bishops are a notable group) use the following arguments:
-The state is overreaching its bounds and telling the church what to do.
-Directing an employer to monetarily support something against their personal beliefs is a violation of the employer's religious freedom.

I can't decide if this "controversy" was something conjured up by the far right to distract the public from real problems such as the state of the economy, or if it's the beginning of some real and horrible backlash against women's progress in the 21st century. Whatever the intent, this new "cultural war" ignores the following:

-Almost every couple/person regardless of religion uses birth control at some point in their lives to prevent unintended pregnancy. Those who don't are the outliers.
-Many religiously affiliated hospitals and colleges already include birth control as part of their health care coverage.
-It is much much more cheap to pay for birth control than it is for prenatal care and for insurance coverage for additional dependents. Taking away birth control coverage is a guaranteed way to make health care costs expand exponentially.

It appears that most people (as in the 90 something percent of us who use birth control) are not too concerned about this recent political dialouge. BUT YOU SHOULD BE.

If your are a woman, or have women in your life that you care about, consider the following:

Access to affordable birth control is absolutely critical to women participating fully in society. Many Catholic religious leaders assert that the wide distribution of the pill since the 1960s directly resulted in the high divorce rate we see today. This is going to surprise you-I totally agree with them! If no affordable, accessible, and effective means of birth control exist, women have no choices. Once a child is born, someone must be available at all times to care for the infant and later toddler. Considerable work is involved with a school age child. Motherhood is a job in and of itself, and is a round the clock commitment for the first few years. Imagine that the first "few years" never ended or spanned for 15-20 years. Yep, this poor woman is pregnant every few years, leaving her unable to work. If you cannot work, you are reliant upon your husband/male partner to provide for you and your children's basic needs (food, housing, medical care). He could be kind and loving to you, he could be cruel, or he could be downright abusive. It doesn't matter, you are directly dependent upon him for your survival. If you are unhappy or completely miserable, you do not have the resources to change your situation and must accept your lot in life.

Imagine that you can limit when you have your children and how many you have. You now have the ability to limit the time you are unavailable to work. Women who work have the financial resources to take care of their own basic needs. They are no longer a dependent of their husband's, but a wage earner in their own right. Earning your own living is empowerment. It gives you the ability and wearwithall to leave an unhappy situation and to push for a better life for yourself and your children, which may entail divorcing your spouse. While many people have jobs they hate, many have jobs they love and come to expect the same level of satisfaction they have outside of the home in the home from their spouse.

Let me make this clear, I have nothing against women who choose to have children and not work. Being a mom is the hardest job ever and is an immense source of joy. However, it's a free choice on the part of the woman to make motherhood her career as opposed to a harsh uncontrollable reality. Those against birth control coverage argue their freedom is being taken away, and if this small radical minority was to get their way, they would take away the freedom of every American woman. Biology would be her destiny.

Life as a Diagnosed Spaz

It's that time again-time to fall apart and slide into a mental black hole for a while. Dear readers, there are many things I've shared with you, but this one is going to be the hardest. However, I feel it is necessary because chances are, many of you have suffered from similar issues, so I'll expose myself at the hopes of you benefiting.
I've always been anxious. I don't remember, even as a child, not having thoughts that make my stomach drop and make me feel terrified inside. I always inherently knew that I was "off" somehow. "Normal" people don't worry this much about these things-right? That's the thing-it could be anything that would cause me internal grief. Thankfully, my mother was a natural therapist and could soothe me and bring me back to earth, and put a smile on my face...until the next time I would come to her crying about my latest anguish.
My senior year of high school it truly became unbearable. As I obsessed over my future and every minute detail down to the things I typed on college applications with great dread and imaginging all the ways in which I could fail, I was really not okay. I remember getting home from school one day and telling my mother point blank "I want to die". Why would you want to live if all you ever did was worried, where every life event would a horrible outcome (or so I had convinced myself)? I went to a therapist for the first time ever and gradually came out of it, but those few months were pure hell. I lost a lot of weight and because I had a perpetual knot in my stomach day after day from all of the thoughts.
Freshman year of college comes. I fall apart again. This time, I start taking medication for it, and am officially diagnosed as having an "generalized anxiety disorder". I am pretty stable for the next year or so and it feels as if it's gone away.
The thing I've learned is, it's always there, waiting to come out again. I'll have a "good year" or more even, and then, here I am, a scared sad little girl. The "bad" spells are usually caused by a series of events. It's hard to eat and sleep, and want to go into hiding. I'm back seeing a therapist and upping my dose of meds temporarily. I'm forced to admit to myself, these bad nerve racking thoughts, doubts, the sadness, never fully went away, they just didn't happen as often. Things were just much more bearable. And at what cost?
Fortunately, no matter how miserable I was, it took next to no toll on school or work. In fact, work and tasks to complete help keep me sane. However, there becomes a larger gulf between the person I am and the person I would like to be. It's hard to step outside of my own mind and worries to care about others and truly appreciate their company. I haven't been the best friend, daughter, or girlfriend at times. I don't value and treasure things the way that I should. I feel terribly guilty and frustrated knowing there are many many people out in the world completely suffering lacking clean water and facing regular violence and here I am making things up to worry about. I have to take medication that has unpleasant side effects; I sleep more than I would like, my legs randomly twitch at times, and sex is not what it should be, and that's the best medication I've been on. Others were much worse. I wasn't able to go on a study abroad trip in college I worked hard planning for. Everyday life is really challenging when the fear takes over. Eating a meal with someone else or having a meeting at work is scary-"what if I throw up? What if I embarass myself?" These are just recent thoughts-the worries change.
People I'm close to and others who I feel like would be understanding know. However, there are plenty of people I fear knowing because they will judge. They will see this as a sign of weakness and think I'm weird or not the person they thought me to be. And really am I?
Over the past 6 years, medication has proven critical to managing the anxiety and accompanying depression. It lessens the amount and intensity of the anxious thoughts. Everyday when I take my medication, my brain chemistry is being altered. I hate taking medication. I tried to stop taking them during the summer of 2010, and slowly weaned myself off of them with doctor guidance. Within 3 weeks of being med free, I was falling apart again.
I like to think that as I age, I'll get better at dealing with it all, and perhaps one day, I'll be able to manage the anxiety naturally. For now, I've figured out the following:
-Exercise is key to my well being. No medication cocktail will be able to take the place of regular physical activity.
-Some periods of time and situations will be bad, but eventually, things will get better again.
-Having a therapist I connect with is essential to make it through the tough times.
-Temporarily increasing my medication and cutting back down helps me during the low points.
-Getting out and spending time with friends helps me re-focus my attention away from the stress.

Cereal Slut

I'll take a bowl of cereal anytime, anywhere, any flavor, under any circumstances. When I truly ask myself, Kristin, what do you need day in and day out? It's a giant bowl of breakfast cereal. Each morning, I so thoroughly anticipate pouring a generous helping of my chosen flavor into the bowl, crunching and munching, then getting to the final soft mushy pieces, and lastly, slurping the sloppy seconds of leftover milk. And the wide array of milk flavors that cereal produces-all equally delightful and unique, and I don't mind the little bits and pieces of cereal debris in my milk. The ritual of the bowl, or 2 bowls is an unparalled one in my day. What is it about cereal that so completely satisfies me? Where do I even begin to describe one of the best parts of being alive???
Something is better when you've really been wanting it. Each day, without fail, I wake up positively starving. There's a box of cereal faithfully waiting to fulfill my empty tummy. It's quick and easy. A 10 second dumping of grains and pouring of milk. None of this stove top/oven/microwave bullshit. It's ready when I need it most. And the sugar!!! I LOVE SUGAR. I can't imagine having a breakfast that isn't sweet. I will say this-I have grown up from my Lucky Charms and Cocoa Puff days, but most cereals are still full of sugar and are relatively healthy. I used to think I had a favorite cereal, but I was so in denial. I could not possibly remain loyal to one flavor, because it's so much fun to play the cereal field! Two different flavors in one day, same bowl, one interesting tasting bit of leftover milk. Bowl one: cinnamon oat crunch! Bowl two: Frosted mini wheats! And that's just on Monday!
The available reserves of cereal and milk determine the frequency with which I go grocery shopping. Sometimes, having cereal for breakfast just isn't enough. I need to eat a big bowl for dinner too in hopes of satisying my unsatiable lust for this sugary crunchy goodness. And guess what?? I wake up wanting it all over again!
Cereal, I love you, I really do. For you, there's not much I wouldn't do!
XOXO Kristin M.

The Story of Why I Unfriended/Refused to Friend/or Randomly Chose to Friend You on Facebook

I hadn't seen you in years, and even years ago, we weren't really friends then. The things you would post were just downright stupid. And those super emotional status updates, just too much for me to handle for someone who was an acquaintance almost a decade ago. (Unfriend)

I wouldn't be surprised if you turned out to be another Ted Bundy. You give me the shivers. Creepy doesn't even come close to it. (Ignore)

Let's just say, I kinda figured your life would turn into a circus. And it did. Thanks for letting me watch the show! (Add As a Friend)

I friended you for a while to be polite. But then when a couple of months had passed by and we weren't even in the same state to run into each other at a mutual friend gathering, I decided it was time for you to go, friend of a friend from a party. (Unfriend)

Why did you never add me? I think you're pretty cool, even though we don't know each other all that well. (Add as a Friend, Cancel Friend Request, Add as a Friend)

You are just downright fascinating. Thank goodness Facebook allows me to keep tabs on you without being considered a true stalker. (Add as a Friend)

You hurt me. It makes me sad to see your face and read your thoughts. Plain and simple. Okay, I like to think things are better now, but probably not. (Unfriend... Add as a Friend)

Really-you're requesting me as a friend? I have nothing against you, but I am not going to give you the satisfaction of being nosy. (Ignore)

Sigh, I guess I have to add you because we work together, but I really didn't want to, and I can't seem like a jerk. (Confirm)

So, this is what you are like off the clock. Shocking! Can't wait for the next update! (Add as a Friend)

I watch, but I'll never make a move. It wouldn't be right for SO many reasons. < >

How could you?????!!!! I want to puke! (Unfriend. Block User.)